In memoriam

My father and Max (8 months), June 2002

My father passed away on Sunday, 8 July 2007. Unfortunately, we didn't make it home in time to see him before he died. We were in the car, driving down to the airport in Phoenix, when my mom called with the news.

My father, Joe, was 87. He lived a good, long life. He was 45 when I was born and people always said that we--my brother and I--kept him young. But to me he just always seemed young, always active, always needing to be doing something. He served 21 years in the Air Force, starting before the USAF existed, he joined up with the Army Air Corp. He was stationed in Japan in the early 60s, met my mom, got married, then retired. Then I was born.

My father was all about hard work. And sacrifice for family. He worked hard, night shifts, often tough back-breaking manual labor, to make sure that we were taken care of. To be able to pay for college for us. We never had a new car, we never took vacations, but we never felt like we were missing anything. We were always well-fed and well-clothed and we had toys. Maybe not as many toys as friends did, but that was ok (well, it wasn't always ok, but we got over it).

My father was always friendly, always pleasant, always calm. I've always been shy, and I watched with awe as he would talk effortlessly with everyone he met. I always wanted to be able to do that. He had the gift of an open, friendly nature.

He had some heart problems, a triple bypass about 12 years ago, and last year the doctors said congestive heart failure but were managing it. He had a heart attack on Friday, one of those that don't come with the crushing pain so you don't really know. That's when he went to the hospital, but he was still able to walk out to the ambulance by himself. Then while in the hospital he had another heart attack and they transferred him to a hospital in Boston. The next morning he died after another heart attack, with the doctors working for a long time to try to bring him back.

Last week was a challenging week, with all the arrangements, the wake and the funeral. I had no idea how many things need to be taken care of for a funeral, or how expensive it is. On the one hand, it was good to have all these things to do, as that kept us occupied. And luckily we had a lot of help.

As soon as we get home, we're going over our life insurance policies and making sure we have enough. And we'll be writing a will, and taking care of a lot of details. Friends who read this blog, if you haven't done this yet, I urge-urge-urge you to. We never know when we'll go.

Very sadly, on the same weekend that my father died, an acquaintance of ours was in a nasty car accident and was killed. She left a 4-year-old daughter (with injuries from the crash) and husband. We never know when we'll go.

Max is hanging in. He knows what happened, he went to the funeral. He's mostly been not talking about it, and sometimes acting up more than normal. That's ok, it's been a difficult time, even if he doesn't show much. One morning last week, I saw him outside the house, talking with a neighborhood cat who always came over to visit my father. (Animals loved him.) Max was telling the cat while petting it: "Papa died. Papa's not coming back." Max and S are at the inlaws this week so he can have a break and I can help my mom with paperwork et al.

Sorry for the length of this post. Some of it is from the eulogy I gave during the funeral mass. I feel thankful for years of practice in public speaking (every one of them extremely painful), so that I could get up and talk about my father during his funeral.

This post is too long already, so I'll explain the peach another time. (Yes, a peach, that's what it is. Really.)

And finally, but certainly not least in my mind, I must say thank you to all who have written me with prayers and hopes for my father's recovery. These have all been very helpful to me during this time. My sincere thanks to you, my friends.

Comments

[myra]

Amanda, I was so hoping to read that your father was doing better. I am so very sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathy to you and your family.

[Sharly]

Amanda, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Having lost both my parents, I can truly sympathize with what you are going through. Thank you for letting us know what happened. I think your post is really sweet.

[Kelli]

My goodness. I am at a loss for words. I am certainly so sorry for your family. And for your friend and her daughter. I am in tears.
You are all in my prayers!

[debbie]

amanda, my continued prayers for you and your family; i'm so sorry about the loss of your father. how comforting to have those sweet memories of him to help you at this time - i also hope your mom is doing ok....

[Sarah]

Amanda,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your father. My thoughts are with you and your family.

[Ayelet]

I'm so sorry :(
My grandfather passed away 2 months ago and your post really took me back. The pain of saying goodbye, while at the same time knowing that he lived a full and happy life. And how different it is from your friend.
My deepest condolences to you and your family.

[Donna]

I am sorry to read about your father's death. Thank you for sharing his story with us, he sounds like a wonderful man.

[Anamaria]

Amanda, I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing your graceful and heartfelt words about your father, and for letting us know how all of you are doing. I'll be thinking of you.

Of course it's a peach.

[SusanChristine]

Amanda, I am so very sorry for your loss.

[Laura]

I am deeply sorry for your loss.

It is difficult to think about, but thank you for the reminder of the importance of making preparations.

[cindy]

so sorry for your loss. he sounds like a wonderful man and you are blessed for so many cherished memories.

[heidi]

i'm so sorry for your loss amanda. give max, and you, a big squeze from me.

[Abby]

I'm sorry to hear of your father. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[Macoco]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds like your father was a wonderful man.

[Kim]

Oh, he had the best dad qualities! No doubt those qualities live on in you and Max. My condolences and long-distance hugs.

[Marie]

Hugs to you and prayers for your family. It was nice to read a bit about your Dad.

[Alison]

I wanted to send my sincerest warmth and condolences on the loss of your father. I lost my grandmother earlier in the year, and it's been quite amazing what my Max assimilates into his sphere of knowledge about death - such a beautiful, simplistic way of looking at it all, which needs no explanation, and I like that - it just 'is'.

Your father will live on in so many ways, through so many people.
xx

[Tania Ho]

oh amanda, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. a lot of hugs to you and your family. xoxo

[nuttnbunny]

So sorry, Amanda. Thanks for sharing the photo of your Dad and Max. What a beautiful legacy.

[Bettsi]

Amanda, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like a great man. I am sending all good wishes your way.

[Samantha]

Hello Amanda,
just wanted to say thinking of you. x

[anna]

I'm sorry for your loss and am thinking of you, your family, and that of your friends.

[isabel]

Oh Amanda! I'm so sorry!

Having been through a similar experience (not my parents though, but with my grandparents), I know how hard it is... I'm sending you my warmest hug.

Isabel

[elise]

Amanda...
thanks for posting. I am so sorry.

[Fiona]

So sorry to read about your loss. Do take care of yourself.
xo